- Rant begins -
The weekend's almost here. It's funny how I look forward to weekends at home, but not here. It's all starting to hit me once again, the loneliness. It's frustrating as hell. And the sad thing is that, as much as I try to keep it all in me, it always manages to affect other people. Sometimes I think it's easier to maintain a cheerful facade to the world then to let them know how unhappy and disheartened I am. Especially when it's so difficult for them to accept me the way I am over here. These empty feelings hit me against my will, and it's not like I want to feel this way. Who enjoys feeling shitty? Geez.
The weekend's almost here. It's funny how I look forward to weekends at home, but not here. It's all starting to hit me once again, the loneliness. It's frustrating as hell. And the sad thing is that, as much as I try to keep it all in me, it always manages to affect other people. Sometimes I think it's easier to maintain a cheerful facade to the world then to let them know how unhappy and disheartened I am. Especially when it's so difficult for them to accept me the way I am over here. These empty feelings hit me against my will, and it's not like I want to feel this way. Who enjoys feeling shitty? Geez.
The worst thing is that I've reached out to people. It has always been ME initiating things - hey, let's go out, hey, let's do this, hey, let's do that. If I don't, then it's every man for himself. Call me shallow, but when have they ever come to ME? What, if I don't say anything, then that's it? Worst of all, there were times when I'm not even included in their activities. So tell me, why should I even bother? I'd rather reach out to people who would appreciate me for who I am.
And you know what, I'm just flat-tired of doing that. I choose to be happy on my own. A friend once told me, that it's better that I feel good about myself when I'm alone, before I start reaching out to others. And by God, that's what I'll do. Screw the rest of the world for making me think that I need you to survive over here.
Nine more weekends (including this one) to go. I can't be counting down the days over here, because it'd seem neverending. Maybe I should do something drastic, something so over-the-top, something which I can still do whilst I'm still on my own. Well, that's an idea to ponder upon. No more knitting, cross-stitching, beading ... shit like that. What the hell was I thinking? Geez!
- Rant ends -
This weekend will be a long one. Monday's a holiday for us here (actually, Tuesday's a public holiday - March Equinox, but the company's adopting the holiday on Monday instead). Have no idea what I'll be doing then. Will probably head to town for a walk or something. I'll be going ice-skating with my friends tomorrow. Haven't done that in a while. Methinks I'll need to have pillows strapped to my bottom before I even attempt to touch the ice.
You know what the sad thing is? It's that I've *gasp* lost the will to shop. Yes, me, the one who made sure UK's (well, Dundee's anyway) economy stays robust with me buying all sorts of junk everywhere. The one whose credit card bills come short of half of my monthly income. The one who thinks that the creator of Amazon.com's my hero. Argh! I'd normally head to town at least once during the weekdays (oh, being in town during the weekends is a default activity, so that doesn't count), and at least once at Takashimaya. However, this trip ... nadah. I've only been to town last weekend, and I hardly bought anything. It's like, nothing interests me anymore. How sad is that?! All the pukingly-kawaii stuff did nothing for me. On the brighter side, I'm saving more money than usual, which is good. After emptying my "bucket" of money to buy the car, it's time to replenish it. Of course, there'll be days where I believe that I could help with the Japanese economy when I see a certain pair of shoes, or a certain bag.
*Wink*
