September 13, 2007

I Am Tired

I am tired.

I am tired of my work load right now, which seemed to triple ever since I came back from KL. Things aren't getting any easier with a new addition to the team whom I'm not at all keen on and do not like. What makes it worse is that I'm beginning to be sidelined as a group leader, just because word has leaked out that I shall be leaving soon. I do not mind surrendering the position to someone else, someone more capable, more assertive, more responsible, if the management has had the courtesy to let me know first. I do not enjoy being kept in the dark.

At the moment, no one's saying anything, and I don't think I'm being paranoid. I could jolly well throw in the towel and say "To hell with you guys, I don't care anymore. Why should I? I won't even be here for long". But I can't. I have a responsibility as a leader to see things through, and I will tie all loose ends before I leave. If only they let me. I'm operating on a very tight wire right now. It's only a matter of time before I snap.

Despite all this, I know that the worst is yet to come.

I am tired.

I am tired of putting up a front at the workplace, that everything's peaches and cream, that I'm happy at how things are going, when in fact, they're not. The working environment has changed so severely ever since I got back. I know what's going on, but I do not understand why they are. Who was it that said "why can't everyone just get along?" This goes to show that the workplace is just like one big kindergarten, where people are behaving like sulky children.

I am tired.

I am tired of pretending that I'm not married in the workplace. That nothing has changed. Due to certain reasons (which I will reveal when the time comes), I cannot disclose the fact that I'm married, except to a few close friends. Thus, I cannot openly plan my wedding with my girlfriends, without worrying who's looking over my shoulder. It really takes away the joy in the planning process.

I am tired.

I am tired of the fact that even though I AM married, it doesn't feel that I am, because Tim's so far away. I miss him terribly, and it really hurts that we're so far apart (bad enough that we only spent a day together as husband and wife, and even then, I was down with a flu), especially during this trying period. I'm so glad for the Internet, that I'm able to see him every night, but us not being physically together doesn't make it any better. I know, I know, we'll be together in no time. Well, they don't call it a rant for nothing, eh?

Still, I'm real grateful that both our parents understand the predicament that we're in, and are being as supportive as they can. It's not going to be easy for my parents when I do leave for Australia next year (Mum kept saying that she feels as though she's losing her daughter). It isn't going to be easy for me either.

Lord, I pray that You'll be with me throughout this trying period. I pray for strength to carry on. I ask for Your forgiveness that I only come to You in times of trouble, but I really need You now. I need to be in Your peace. Amen.


pablopabla said...

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Ask and it shall be given. Trust in the Lord at all times for He guides and will give you the very best.

We do go through such phases in life but our anchor should always remain in Him.

TrueBluePenangite said...

Tine, just take heart in the saying that, "This too shall pass" and then you will be with Tim again, in a more carefree environment where it's not like kindergarten (believe me, I know how paranoid and gossipy an office can be).

John also moved to Springfield 2 weeks ago. My apartment feels empty after living together for 11 months. I miss him more everyday...but perhaps this is a good sign for our relationship.

Don't worry, you and Tim will be together soon. Just you wait, once December comes, you'll be so short of time that you'll be begging for more time to "kau tim" your things in Msia and for the wedding preparations.

Until then, take care and know that there are many people rooting for you.


Leishia J said...

Hang in there, ok? *huggies*

"Be still, and know that I am God"

pelf said...

"I am tired of pretending that I'm not married in the workplace."

But are you sure nobody from the workplace reads your blog?

Anyway, *hugs*

I know how some people can be total b*tches at times.

Tine said...

Pablo: Amen, brother.

Truebluepenangite: Thanks girl :)

Leisha: *hugs* Amen

Pelf: Very few people read my blog. They who read this already knows I'm married, and will be leaving. At this point, when I wrote this, I'm so numb about it, that I don't even care anymore.
Anyways, something good happened today after all this. Will blog about it later. In a nutshell, the boss and I have already cleared the air about this, and I'm now clear of what I shall be doing till I leave, which is great :)

I'm so glad for the silver lining in my cloud today :) *hugs*

beetrice said...

I think I know what you're referring to with your status at work (but then again, wouldn't they know about the ring?)...but take heart - after all this is done, you'll have the rest of your life to look forward to with Tim..*HUGZ*

PS: If you want to RANT big time, you know who to call...retail therapy's good too... :)

Tine said...

Beetrice: Aww thanks girl :)

Nope, I do not wear the wedding ring to work because of that. Very few ppl know that I'm married.

Yep, went for a bit of retail therapy today. Ahh bliss :p

zeroimpact said...

I'm sure the silver lining is right around the corner
Best wishes for you for all your future undertakings

L B said...

Be strong! Think happy thoughts! Eat good food! Exercise well! Be good!

Jemima said...

What did you buy during retail therapy, Mrs C? :p
Building up your bridal wardrobe? :p

Miss chatting with you, my friend. I'm really tired too..


littleComma said...

I'm not that religious but just to share one of my fav verses:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Cheer up !

nyx said...

the problem about being tired is that it makes you down about everything. just remember that life always has its ups and downs and that this is only temporary ... you're leaving for a better place and a better situation. CHIN UP! :)