June 25, 2007

Breakups, Makeups ... When Does Either One End?

Reading Gallivanter's take on Getting Back With Your Ex sparked something in me, something which I've been feeling really strongly about for the past couple of weeks.

First of all, let's talk about on, off, on-again, off-again (it simply repeats until it finally stops at a point) relationships. I never really understood that, until I was in one myself. And what a hellish rollercoaster ride that was.

It is really difficult each time the relationship so-called "ends" (it doesn't seem permanent because for some reason, it kept coming back), because what happens if it was the other party who initiated the breakup every time it happened, and the OTHER party who kept trying to win you back? And what do you call that? Yep, STUPID. That's what I was.

The problem with love is that love can blind you to the biggest and smallest things. It is true when they say that love is blind. Because it can BLIND you. It blinds you when you ignore that little voice in your head which says "WOAH! Hold on there!" It blinds you when you only see truths in all his/her lies. And worst of all, it blinds you when ultimately, all you're in love with is LOVE.

Anyway, I digress.

With these on-off relationships, where is the cut-off point? When does it really become on for good, or permanently separated? What caused the breakup in the first place? And if you really cannot handle nor resolve the issue which caused the breakup in the first place, why get on the same boat again?

More often than not, relationships which go on and off and on again happen at the spur of the moment. Over petty issues, even. But if trivial matters can spark a breakup, then the problem is deeper within the relationship. The level of maturity of both parties in the relationship is questioned.

Yet, the older we get, the more dangerous these games become. At the end of the day, there's a level of security which we want in our lives. That breakup which you thought was merely out of a whim, that you thought can be patched back later, could well enough be a breakup for good. This will happen when the other person finally has had enough, that he/she finally realised that the other party just isn't mature enough to commit into the relationship.

With all breakups, if possible, resolve any issues between you. If it cannot be done during or right after the breakup (more often than not, it cannot be done. Not immediately anyway), then stay away from each other. A dear friend once told me that you cannot remain friends with the ex after the breakup. You need time apart from each other, for both to heal. If after a year and more does your paths crossed again, then perhaps that friendship can be restored. If not, then it's not meant to be. It took me a very long time to finally understand this. When it finally hit me in the face. And believe me, it isn't pretty at all (I use the present tense as I'm still facing it).

I am no relationships expert. I have had my share of ups and downs, so I do not claim to be one. I merely wrote this as a reminder to myself, and perhaps a little bit of advice to those out there who's facing the same problem. Always listen to that little voice in your head. It could save you a lot of heartache. Don't play the game unless you are prepared to lose.

If a person truly loves you, he/she will want to stick around with you to the very end.


Gallivanter said...

Love the entry. Provides another perspective. :-)

Kamigoroshi said...

All you're in love with is love. That's the best line if any when it comes to pining for a relationship.

I think those that know the game the best are those that have been in it, up and down. It takes the worst parts of the relationship to know what the best parts of it really are.

At the end of it, you know who you are and most importantly what you want. The rest of what comes from there is just a natural progression of things.

Jemima said...

Thank you for the reminder, Tine.

HUGS! :)

Tine said...

Gallivanter: Well, you inspired me, mate ;)

Kamigoroshi: Yeah I do agree. One who has not gone through ups and downs in a relationship, or several relationships ... well, let's just say he/she may not really what he/she has.

Jemima: *hugs* :)