October 17, 2007

I Am The Girl

I am the baby whose parents thought was the most beautiful baby in the world when I was born.

I am the baby whose parents thought was the ugliest baby ever when my much cuter lil' baby brother was born.

I am the daughter who would jump at any chance to preen in front of the camera her daddy was holding.

I am the daughter whose mum used the rotan on the legs and arms, never on the buttocks, so that I could "show the cane marks off" to her friends in school, thus shaming me to never be naughty again.

I am the daughter whose mum would force to write two pages of English exercises daily, and to do arithmetic sums on the whiteboard prepared by dad.

I am the girl whose English and Mathematics were good in school because of that.

I am the daughter who disappointed her daddy for stealing library books from school.

I am the sister who beat you up bad when I was young, but I love you to bits now.

I am the girl who read Judith Mcnaught books in Standard Six, and wondered what "making love" was.

I am the girl who rejoiced when my period first came, because it meant that I was now more "mature" than her friends.

I am the friend who had one lesbian dream about you, but I never told you.

I am the girl who studied in an all-girl school for 11 years, thus not being able to talk to boys in fear of making a fool of myself.

I am the girl who was so excited on my first day of college, and was crestfallen when I was one of the very few girls in a male-dominated course.

I am the girl whose hand you held when we went ice-skating, even though I could skate better than you.

I am the girl who took your hand when you asked me to be your girlfriend.

I am the girlfriend who hardly went out with you when we were in the UK, because I thought it'd be more fun going out on my own.

I am the girl who continued with a Masters degree just because I wasn't ready to start working.

I am the girl who cried my heart out on the day I left UK for good.

I am the girl whom nobody talked to on my first day of work.

I am the girl who broke your heart after nearly six years of dating just because I thought I wanted more.

I am the granddaughter whose tears couldn't stop falling when you died.

I am the girl who pretended to be good at what I do, when in fact, I know nothing.

I am the girl who text-messaged you warm wishes when you were going to Japan.

I am the girl whose heart leapt when you first held my hand.

I am the girl who jumped at the chance of going to Japan just to be near you.

I am the girl whose heart you broke to pieces when you told me you were getting married to someone else.

I am the girl who lost faith in God because I thought He wasn't answering my prayers.

I am the girl who tried to kill myself because I thought I could no longer survive.

I am the girl who bears scars on her wrists to this day to remind me that no man is worth dying for.

I am the girl whom you finally freed when you told me you were going to be a father.

I am the friend whom you lifted out of my despair, and cried on your shoulder.

I am the friend who took advantage of my vulnerable situation just to have someone hold me close.

I am the girl who lost a friend because of my selfishness.

I am the friend who cried when I sang at your wedding when you were walking down the aisle.

I am the long-lost friend whom you emailed just to catch up.

I am the girl who looked forward to chatting with you online every night.

I am the girl who arranged to meet up with you during Chinese New Year but broke our date at the very last minute.

I am the girl whose heart beat so hard when you asked. Via text message.

I am the girl who would tell you the answer face to face, thus making you wait.

I am the girlfriend who thanked God that you gave me my best first kiss.

I am the girlfriend who cried buckets when you had to go back to Australia.

I am the girl whom you brought closer to God through prayer.

I am the girl who wouldn't take it seriously when you first proposed, and smiled so hard when you asked again.

I am the woman who found love once again because of you.

I am the woman whom you lovingly called "wifey" on the day of our registration.

I am the friend who sometimes wishes she gets you, when in fact, she doesn't.

I am the woman who wants to do more with her life, than just to climb the corporate ladder which she does not even have interest in.

I am the woman who is apprehensive yet excited on starting a new life.

I am the woman who discovered writing, and how cathartic it can be.

I am Tine. Always have been. Always will be.


ParisB said...

And I am happy to have "met" you :)

wira said...

you are a good girl!!!

Kamigoroshi said...

Glad you took up this meme. It seems easy but I know very few people that could do it. :)

Tine said...

Paris: Likewise, my dear. It was my pleasure knowing you :)

Wira: Thanks :)

Kamigoroshi: I've had this in mind for many months now, but I never could bring myself to write it, because of all the raw emotions it invoked. It was so personal. And it definitely wasn't easy writing this at all.

Yet, after I wrote it, I realised how blessed I've been, to still be walking this journey called life :)

Leishia J said...

u've came a lng way. kudos girl! :D

Jemima said...

You will always be Tine.. my wonderful, loving & caring friend.


rinnah said...

Hi Tine, first time leaving a comment here. This post really made me stop and think because it's so heartfelt and personal. You're wonderful, you know that? Cheers.

Tine said...

Leisha: It's in the experiences, good or bad, that we grow. I don't regret what happened, despite it all. Thanks my friend :)

Jemima: Awwwwwww *hug hug hug*

Rinnah: Hello Rinnah, thanks for dropping by, and for the very lovely comment :)

zewt said...

and now you're the girl whom i know quite lot now...

happy for having first period huh...

TrueBluePenangite said...

I hope I am not the girl that you had lesbian fantasies about! *LOL*

Tine, I am so proud of you and how you've dealt with adversity in your life. No one has a perfect life, no one, no matter what they tell you...this is because life always throws you curveballs and it's how you deal with those curveballs that matters. I am so happy that you've walked away from the precipice with your soul intact.

I love you.

Tine said...

Zewt: Read me like a open book, mate ;)

Well, just that ONE month lah. I hate 'em all after that :p

Truebluepenangite: Thanks girl. I love you too *hugs*

Oh, and the lesbian dream girl wasn't you ;)

kooi said...

Hi Tine,
This is a very beautiful snippet of your life - growing up, falling down and picking yourself back up. This entry allows me to know you better. Thank you for sharing. I admire your courage and ability to share something so personal. Kudos!

pablopabla said...

You're the girl blogger who made me speechless reading such beautiful blog entries. You are AWESOME!

beetrice said...

*amen* to that, sister! (well, cousin, actually...)

I think I remember / managed to follow most of the trail (except the lesbian dream part..*?!?!*)

damn girl...ever thought of taking up writing as a career?

Tine said...

Kooi: Thanks for the lovely comments :) It wasn't easy though. It never is.

Pablo: Aww sweet! THANKS! :D

Beetrice: Hehehe, yep, true, you know almost everything already anyway. And thanks for the lovely comment about me taking up writing as a career. Coming from you, a brilliant writer yourself, that's a very big compliment to me indeed :D

pelf said...

DANG. That brought tears to my eyes :(

"I am the girl who continued with a Masters degree just because I wasn't ready to start working."

And this sounds soo familiar!

moonfish said...

Oh this is so beautiful... almost bring tears in my eyes...

Kleio the Muse said...

I am glad to have the chance to know you. You are such a wonderful soul.

Best of all, from reading this poignant meme of yours... I can see that you have grown stronger, mature, confident, wiser and happy. You have overcome hardships and came out victorious. That's priceless.

We have to live for ourselves first before living for others.

Mayni said...

Hey lesbian dream was about me!! hahaha

Great entry tine. I really felt every bit of emotion while I was reading it.

I'm so glad that you've found the light at the end of the tunnel and wishing you all the very best. Can't wait to have you here!